The #1 Thing People Want in Relationships | Relationships | Eric Gilbert

The #1 Thing People Want in Relationships | Relationships | Eric Gilbert


Romans chapter 14, verse number 19 says this,
“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” I want us to read this aloud across both locations. Ready begin. Let us therefore make every effort to do what
leads to peace and to mutual edification. I want to share with you this morning how
that you can arrive at peace in your relationships, your marital relationship, your parental relationship,
relationships at work, even relationships at church, relationships in general within
your sphere of influence. They did a survey across multiple universities
and they asked people, what is the number one thing that you wish you could have? And over and over again, the majority of people
said, “I wish I could have peace.” So that says to me that peace is something
that people aspire to, peace is something that people desire, especially when it comes
to our relationships. And so this morning I want to share with you
how to get there through some insight in the word of God. Some things that mentors and fathers in the
faith have sown into my life. And even that experience has taught me along
the way of being in relationships. Why don’t you go back with me to Romans chapter
14 and look with me again at verse number 19 and what I’d like to do this time is to
draw an emphasis on a section of that text. Let us therefore make every effort to do what
leads to peace and to mutual edification. Let us make every effort. So I know when we start talking about peace
that most of us just wish that God would snap his finger and give us peace. But what this text is teaching us is that
if we are going to experience peace, even under the dispensation of grace, it is going
to require us to make an effort. And what I’ve learned is that anything that
requires effort requires energy. And so I’m not going to be able to make every
effort unless I am willing to invest energy into a relationship. So I just want you to look at somebody, help
me preach a minute to tell them, invest energy, invest energy. If you’re going to invest energy in a relationship,
it means that you’ve got to have something left in the tank. And to me, the challenging thing is, is that
sometimes the people that love us the most actually get the worst version of us because
it seems like we’re so willing to invest energy in everything else. And then by the time we get to those relationships
that are so important to us, we just take for granted that they’re going to tolerate
the lack of energy that we’ve brought to the table. That we’re just going to lay on the couch
and we’re going to order this and we’re going to order that, or we’re going to demand for
this, or we’re going to demand for that as opposed to bringing energy to the relationship. I’ve even found that energy is something that
there’s such a shortfall for that many people are more willing to invest money than energy. That some of us would be willing to buy gifts
for people because we know that we don’t have any energy left to give to the relationship. I learned a long time ago that your son may
forget the baseball that you tossed to him… Or that you buy for him. Excuse me, but he will never forget the baseball
that you tossed to him. I’m going to say that again cause I need to
get it right. Your son may forget the baseball you buy for
him, but he will never forget the baseball that you toss to him. There’s something significant about investing
energy in a relationship. One of the men that I greatly admire is actually
an overseer in my life and what that means is that he has a spiritual authority in my
life to hold me accountable, to make sure I’m preaching the word of God, that I’m being
a good husband, that I’m being a good father and he’s also available to me for wise counsel. This, this individual in particular is one
of the busiest people that I’ve ever met. Often when I talk to him or I’m speaking on
the phone with him, he may be leaving a stadium in Indonesia, finishing a sermon to 15, 20,000
people. He may be walking out of a conference center
in Brazil having just finished speaking to five, 10,000 pastors. Other times he’s walking out of a chapel service
twice a week speaking to 3000 students. Other times he’s walking out of a conference
board room where he’s just finished trying to manage a hundred million dollar budget
out of just one of the things he oversees. And I think about that and I’m like, how do
you have the ability to be so effective in all of these places? Then at the same time be such an incredible
father and be such an incredible husband? And so in a conversation with him, I was like,
“How is it that you manage your schedule? How is it that you invest time? Do you want your Monday to look a certain
way? Do you want your Friday to look a certain
way? Like do you have this perfect week that you’re
trying to lay out?” And he said, “Eric, really for me, I don’t
focus as much on scheduling time as I do on scheduling energy.” He said, “So the way I look at it is I’ll
look at my calendar and I’ll see that I’ve got a really important meeting where I need
to be at my best and I’ll make sure that I take things off of the calendar leading up
to that so that I will have the energy I need when I walk into that room to be who I need
to be.” He said, “The same thing when it comes to
scheduling time to be with my family, that I want to make sure that my family and my
kids and my grandkids, that they get the best version of me, and so as I’m leading up to
time with them, I’ll try to make sure that I’m doing things that allows me to have my
energy optimized so that when I get in the room with them, when I’m spending time with
them, they feel like that they matter to me and that I’m investing energy in those relationships.” Thinking about that has changed my life. It literally transformed the way that I approach
a calendar. It transformed the way that I approach scheduling. Coming to realize that one of the most important
things that you’re ever going to put in a relationship is energy. Don’t you think that the people you love the
most should get the best version of you? I wish I could get some help somewhere on
a Sunday morning because you’re going to have to make an effort and when you make an effort,
it might mean that if I’m going to give more here, I have to give less over there. That in order to make sure I’m providing the
right kind of energy for the relationships that really matter, I may have to cut some
other things that as I’m rearranging my priority in my perspective is being changed. So just look at somebody and tell them invest
energy. It’s one of the reasons that our church is
offering something like Live to Lead. It’s happening at our Campbellsville location
tomorrow. It’s going to be taking place from 8:00 AM
central up into early afternoon or still time for you to register. Why would we do something like that? Why would we help host something like that? Because we’ve come to realize that as you
become a better leader, you learn how to optimize things like energy and your relationships
start thriving in places where they previously were just surviving. It’s important to learn how to invest energy. This verse goes on though. I want to highlight another section of it
this time. Romans 14:19 it says, let us therefore make
every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Mutual edification. It’s a big word. And to find out what it means, it’s actually
quite simple. To edify someone means that you are going
to build them up. So here’s what we’re learning is that if we’re
going to have relationships that have peace, it’s going to take some effort. You’re going to need to invest some energy,
but at the same time we’re going to need to be intentional about building up instead of
tearing down. Our words almost always fall into one or two
categories, life or death. Let me say it this way, when you’re in conversation
and you are speaking, you are typically either providing life giving statements or you are
providing life taking statements. When you read this passage of text and you
learn about the concept of mutual edification, when you look deeper into it, you lean into
it, you begin to dissect it. What you discover is that one version of this
scripture could actually be read as this, help others with encouraging words, don’t
drag them down by finding fault. Have you ever thought about the fact that
you might be a drag? And that people almost dread seeing it and
you come because when you walk into the living room, you go and drag somebody down. Then when you walk into the break room, you’re
going to drag somebody in. Okay, so it’s not you, it’s that other person. You just dread seeing [Beulah Comm 00:09:29]
right? Cause she’s a drag. She’s going to drag everything down because
she has an opinion about everything and she feels entitled to share it. And she’s going to tell you what she don’t
like about this and she’s going to tell you what she don’t like about that. And by the time she leaves, you’re going to
feel like that literally every part of your soul has been shredded. Y’all never met Beulah. Means you’re probably Beulah. Look over to somebody and tell them don’t
be a drag. You hang out around me long, you’ll find that
I believe in high feedback environments. I believe in building a culture where that
there’s a lot of feedback, but I’ve had to learn that there’s such a thing as too much
feedback. You ever been at a concert, you ever been
in a church service and there’s a mic that squeals and it pierces your ears and you grimace
in pain. You know what that is? That’s a result of too much feedback and the
reason some people grimace every time you start talking is because it’s too much feedback. Have you focused on the fact that maybe you
could affirm something rather than always correcting things? Have you focused on the fact that maybe you
could encourage somebody instead of constantly finding fault? Have you thought about actually maybe trying
to build somebody up instead of constantly tearing people down? There’s something to be said for making sure
that you put yourself in a place where that you build up. I was thinking about how that the book of
Hebrews says that God using his voice will shake everything that can be shaken so that
that which cannot be shaken will be all that will remain. And so God says that he shakes things with
his words, with his voice, with how he speaks, but according to scripture, he evidently chooses
to do that at select times and with select purpose. But you and I, we were made in the image of
God and it makes me wonder if our words shake things. I have a question for you, are the people
that are the closest to you becoming increasingly fragile? Have you noticed over the years your spouse
has become more fragile, your kids? Have they become more fragile? How have your employees become more fragile? It’s an important question to consider because
it might be that all that rattling you’ve been doing has been making things fragile. And see what should happen is as you are in
relationship and you are building up, things get stronger, things get more solidified,
things are more glued together. It’s not that they’re becoming looser and
more vulnerable and coming apart at the foundational seams, but come on, look at somebody and tell
them, build up. Build up. There’s a reason God gave you two ears and
one mouth. The dawn helps me with that when every once
in awhile. Build up. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to
find something that needs to be adjusted or corrected. It just means that when you correct it, you
do it in a way that is building up rather than just tearing down. I’ve watched it happen in youth league sports. I’ve watched a kid come under the leadership
of a coach that’s just constantly pointing out things that are wrong, constantly correcting
things, constantly fault finding, and I’ve watched kids that were pretty good just begin
to wield and just be torn down almost like something’s dragging them down. And then I’ve watched coaches who realize
this kid needs to be corrected, there’s some things he needs to do better, but they say
it in a way that’s edifying. They say it in a way that’s building up and
I’ve watched kids who’ve never scored a touchdown in their life, break through the line and
run 80 yards untouched because somebody pointed something out of them that they didn’t even
know they had in them and there was a building up and if it’ll work in youth league sports,
you can guarantee you it’ll work in your living room. It will work in your workplace and it will
work in your car driving down the road as you start to focus on building up. So one of the things I would say to you as
you contemplate being a part of small groups, give strong consideration to getting in a
small group because there are life giving environment. There a place where you’re encouraged to take
your next step in God. It’s where you’re being built up. Now, let me just throw this in here before
I move to the next point is that don’t ever take pride in walking through a workplace
and bringing fear to people. Because God did not give the spirit of fear. He gave power and love and a sound mind. Second Timothy one seven and when you walk
through a workplace, if you’re in a supervisory role or you’re in leadership, you ought to
have the effect on people that they start feeling 10 foot tall and bulletproof. Then when you come on the scene, they feel
like, because he’s encouraging me because she’s encouraging me, I feel like I can do
it before I didn’t, but now I do. Become somebody that builds up and scripture
says, Romans 14:19 that this is to be mutual, mutual edification. What you’re going to is you’re going to report
you sow. Luke chapter six says this, it says, judge,
not lest you be judged. It did not say you could not judge. It said if you do, you will be judged. The very next verse is this, give and it shall
be given unto you. Press down, shaking together, running over
shall men give into your bosom. So if you are constantly sowing correction,
you’re constantly sowing judgment, you’re constantly sewing what’s wrong with everything
and finding fault, you’re going to reap it and you’re going to reap it worse than you
gave it. And you’re going to feel like everybody’s
picking on you and you’re going to feel like everybody’s got something negative to say
about you. But maybe you need to pay attention. Have you been building up? And what happens is when you become an agent
of change and you start building up, you start to reap encouragement. You start to reap somebody affirming rather
than just correcting. But why are we talking about all of this? Why are we talking about investing energy
and building up? Why is it important? Because the number one thing that people desire
according to survey after survey after survey is peace. Some of you would give every single dollar
in your bank account if you could bring peace to your home. How do you get peace? Romans chapter 14 verse 19, let us therefore
make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. If I’m going to get peace, I got to invest
energy into building others up so that an atmosphere of peace can be made manifest. But when I was leaning into this text and
I started really tearing apart that word peace to find out what God was really trying to
say to us, hustle a little bit surprised by what I found. Because what I discovered is that the most
direct translation for the word that’s used here for peace simply means aim for harmony. In other words, it’s impossible to have peace
if things aren’t in harmony. Do you know how many times the Bible talks
about harmony? James chapter three verse five, by our speech,
we can ruin the world. Turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation,
send the whole world up in smoke. Second Corinthians chapter 13 verse 11, be
cheerful, keep things in good repair, keep your spirits up. Think in harmony, be agreeable, do all that
and the God of love and peace will be sure to be with you. Acts chapter two verse 43 through 45, and
all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony in the early church holding things together
in common. You want one more? First Corinthians 14 verse 32, when we worship
the right way, God doesn’t stir us up into confusion. He brings us into harmony. So here’s what we’re learning. We’ve got to invest energy into building up
with intentionality, but at the same time, if we’re going to experience peace, we have
to aim for harmony. Now, if you don’t have a musical background,
it’s very possible that the concept of harmony doesn’t mean much to you. So I’ve got some folks that’s going to help
me. Could you guys come out here for a second? [Darren 00:00:19:10], you got one of them
degrees and musical theoretical something. Darren, my understanding of harmony is that
once you learn it, it’s very, very difficult to then not sing in harmony. Almost as though once you have the revelation,
it’s very difficult to go anywhere that’s not harmonious. In fact, at the Columbia location, I was talking
to the two young ladies that helped me there and they were telling me that between the
services they had to go out and they had to work on singing out of harmony because that
took more effort than singing in harmony. Because they’ve got the revelation. So I just wonder if you kind folks would help
me to show these folks what their living room sounds like. We’ll try Give me something out of harmony. [singing] Aren’t you glad you don’t go to that church? Come on, you ought to thank God for our worship
team. When you’re going to sing in harmony, the
first thing you got to do is get in tune. Second thing you got to understand is melody
and as you’re understanding that melody, you are listening to the people that are around
you to make sure that what you are presenting lines up with what they are presenting. And the issue with some of us is that it’s
been 15 years since we actually listened to anything else that’s been spoken in our house
because we are so focused on winning the argument that we have not even noticed that we are
out of harmony. And we sound like what you just experienced
to the ears of God. But when things get in harmony and the more
you’re in relationship together, the more pure the harmony becomes. Cause you even learn the tone. So it’s not even that you can never disagree,
cause they may all sing different parts. It’s that you got to find the right tone and
you even learn how to disagree agreeably. So I just wonder, could you all show me harmony? [singing]. You ought to give God the chance to bring
harmony in to your life. Give him a chance to straighten out some things
that had been doing their own thing. [singing]. Isn’t that what you want your relationships
to sound like? It’s going to take some effort, some investment
of energy, some concentration on building up rather than tearing down. But as you aim for harmony, one of the worship
leaders today, he texts me and he said pastor [Eric 00:00:23:34], one of the things you
might want to consider is that if you’re really want to be good at harmony, you can’t just
hear the person. You’ve got to see them. You need to look at them. And it’s even through that, that you can begin
to predict if they’re going to do something you don’t expect. It just keeps you in harmony. Heaven and humanity were out of harmony and
God heard the wrong notes and he saw us, and after thousands of years of sin bringing disharmony,
God sent his son to a hill called Calvary, and he invested in energy pulling the cross
so that he could build up a humanity that knew nothing but death and as he arrived the
host of angels came down with him, and in perfect harmony, they sang peace, peace, wonderful
peace. C’mon. If you’re grateful that heaven and humanity
can be in harmony, would you just give Him praise one time across South Central Kentucky
this morning? Come on, let Him build your life. Let Him build your life. Let Him build your life.

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